What I Want to Be As a Pastor-Dad (final)

Here’s a list of what I want to be for my babies:

Loving Dad - No one can love them more than I do. That means exercising enough patience on them when they grumble. Loving them for who they are not simply for what they can do and should be. Being appreciative of their best efforts and being thankful for the simple things they can do. My love for them will not diminish when they fail or increase when they succeed. I will be a loving Dad whether they succeed or fail.  A loving Dad whether they err or behave.  A loving father whether they remain a Christian or not.

Dependable Dad -  I want to be there when they need me.  That includes changing their diapers and assisting them drink their vitamins. I want to be there when they call. Attending their  simple school play or finding money to finance their school’s nuclear project.  I want them to dream with the assurance that Daddy will be there as a dependable buddy to help them with their dreams and help them make it a reality.  I will be there when they need me the most and when they simply need a friend.

Playmate Dad - I want my kids to grow up enjoying playtime. Expose them to different games and sports. Perhaps in doing so, they will discover which game give them the most fun. Perhaps in doing so, help them find their career in their playtime. Perhaps help them discover their inborn talents and further develop it through play. After all, we usually enjoy the career that we enjoyed role-playing with when we were young.

Friend Dad - I want to be my babies’ bestfriend. To be able to go down to their level and hear about their crushes and stories in school. I want to know what’s going on in their lives and take time to know the problems they face. The adjustments they need to make.  I want to be a friend who simply listens. Watch movie together. Go malling together.  Simply have fun together.

Mentor Dad - I’d teach them about the basic skills I know in life. From changing flat tires to replacing the computer’s CPU. A little photography. Editing videos. Blogging. Painting. Creative arts. Poetry. Sketching. Appliance repair. Pathfindering. Boyscout stuff. Girlscout stuff.  Baking. Cooking.  Basic skills in life. Discovering your career. Finding the love of your life. Surviving life’s challenges.

Counselor Dad - When needed - be a counselor. Most of the times listening is enough. That would be enough.

Spiritual Dad- I want to be their foremost discipler. Not their youth pastor. Not their Sabbath school teacher.  After all, I am a pastor.  Teach them what I know about the Bible and really try to model it. Home worship. Sing praises. Be creative spiritually. Take them in my ministry activities.  Help them grow spiritually. Assist them in their journey as they discover, meet, and know Christ. It has to be intentional not just  mere modeling. A one-on-one discipleship.   To pray with them every night just before we sleep.

What I Want to Become as a Pastor-Dad

My wife dropped a bombshell on me last night. “If you don’t have time for your children now that they are young, you wont have time for them in the future.”

Parenting is tough. Sean is turning four this September 2009. Fiona just turned one year last July. Another baby is coming out this December.

And my wife did make a strong point last night. Let me confess my sin. Like typical Dads, all we want to do during our free time is to relax from the week’s labor. We want to untangle our busy mind and simply rest from anything that requires our brain to work or our bodies to move. We become couch potatoes on Sundays or in my case - Mondays - our family day.

All that my wife wanted me to do was to spend quality time with my children. Good movies are good - but teaching Sean to play the guitar is even better. Flexing his three year old fingers to hold the crayons right is the best preparation for oil painting. Taking the ball for a three-point shoot in Sean’s four-foot tall basketball ring is much better than playing computer games.

There is something about God’s procreation that teaches us to love and nurture that love. I believe that parenting is discipleship to the very core. And you can only teach if you have enough love. You can only give what you have. Therefore, as parents, the struggle is to be filled with love at all times so you can always have something to share.

Each of us grew with a different family background, childhood experiences, and educational training. When asked about our childhood recollections, what can we improve on our experiences that will make us better parents to the next generation? And in my case - to the next generation pastor’s kids (PK’s).

...to be continued

Conservatives Vs. Liberals

It seems that there will be an ongoing battle between Christian conservatives and liberals until Christ comes. My church is not excempted  from that.  Sadly, I have met friends and members of the church who left the church as a result of the crossfire between hypocrisy and various cause to implement change for the sake of change.

And how you define these two groups will be relative on how you view yourself. 

Here’s my personal definition of conservatives and liberals.

Conservatives:  Christians whose mission is to keep the unity & purity of the church at the expense of the church mission of saving the lost.

Liberals:  Christians whose mission is to save the lost at the expense of losing the church’s unity & purity. 

I am for one a conservative in terms of upholding the Bible as the standard of faith and practice; a liberal when it comes to tolerance over those different from my  beliefs and preferences in terms of ministry methodologies and strategies.

I am a conservative over doctrines taught by the Bible; a liberal in terms of acceptance of people who's still growing in their understanding of truth.

I am a conservative in upholding my church’s traditional values;a liberal and selective in terms of keeping tradition just  for the sake of keeping them. 

I am a conservative in terms of keeping the unity and purity of the church; a liberal and inclusive in fulfilling the mission of the church to reach all people not just my own. 

I am a conservative in terms of radical discipleship; a liberal in terms of creative leadership.

I am a conservative in keeping and obeying my understanding of truth; a liberal in sharing them to others. 

To end,  how I wish the conservatives and liberals will first be more loving, more accommodating, more prayerful, and tolerant of each others view  while not sacrificing the mission of the church to seek and to save the lost. Friends of mine have abandoned the church because both the conservatives and the liberals were more interested in being right  than yielding their rights. 

Leading Life-Changing Life-Groups

LEADING LIFE-CHANGING LIFE-GROUPS

A SMALL-GROUP LEADERSHIP TRAINING COURSE in eight sessions

by Pastor Ardison D. Bernardo

Don’t miss this basic training on how to lead and grow healthy LifeGroups (well known as small groups) in your student ministries and singing groups. Often times we are engaged in ministry without really experiencing dynamic life-changing experiences within our groups. Learn how to put an authentic and accountable life-to-life ministry within your group by experiencing genuine Christian community so we can effectively witness to others.

Session One "Small Groups: part of God's Kingdom plan" - a brief look at the theology, Biblical background, and history of small groups and the part they play in creating Kingdom community

Session Two "Life-changing small groups: some definitions" - five definitions of the most effective small group model for the contemporary church; how to determine whether existing groups are functioning to their best potential

Session Three "Small group values: the key to growth" - an overview of the values or principles which govern the life of the group and determine whether it will be a blessing or otherwise to the church

Session Four "Small group meetings and small group life" - what happens in a typical small group or cell meeting, and the importance of extending the life of the group beyond its weekly meetings

Session Five "The Goal of small groups: holiness and harvest" - the two principle objectives of small group ministry: the growth of believers toward maturity in Christ, and numerical growth through evangelism

Session Six "Small group leadership" - the small group leader's job description, personal qualities and skills of small group leadership, leadership principles, and some of the challenges small group leaders might expect

Session Seven "Developing a small group network" - how to start, the need to start small, the importance of adequate time for preparation and training, how to invite non-Christians and non-Adventists to the group, developing a strategy for multiplying groups

Session Eight "Maintaining the network" - the challenge of the long haul, sustaining interest, the need for a larger vision for the future

Date: Friday, 7:00 p.m., January 10, 2009

Saturday, 8:00 a.m. - 5:00 p.m., January 11, 2009

Venue: Hall, AUP Swimming pool, Putingkahoy, Silang, Cavite

How To Find A Good Book

Ok I confess - I am a bookworm! So what?

For booklovers in the Philippines who are asking how to find a good book, my short answer is simply know where to find it.

...computers - Gilmore
ukay-ukay - Baguio or Tagaytay...
clothes and vegetables - Divisoria

...Books? Where else?


See you there!

Pastor Ardie

How To Deal With Rejection (Conclusion)

Hi guys! I have been out for almost a week. Just came back from a leadership seminar. Let me conclude this article. May it help you in your journey.- Pastor Ardie

DEALING WITH REJECTION

So how do we deal with these feelings of rejection? So what do we do when we get rejected by the people we serve, love, and respect? We often respond to rejection in anger. Is it a bad reaction? How do we deal with these feelings of rejection.

Ever been to a party where no one noticed you? Have you been put in office and discovered no one wants to follow you? Perhaps a friend betrayed you. You wife doesn’t believe in you. Even your dog hates you.

How do we deal with rejection? We all want the respect, admiration, and appreciation of our love ones. No one likes to be disliked. No one likes his ideas to be disapproved or taken for granted. So what do we do when we get rejected by the people we serve, love, and respect?

We often respond to rejection in anger. Is it a bad reaction? Assessing your anger and frustration helps you see whether your anger and frustration are valid or not. If its not, then there is room for growth as you evaluate your mistakes, shortcomings, or personality flaws and grow from the experience.

All of us have a desire to be loved and liked. People are created for relationships. And within that framework our desire is to make others happy and in the process become happy in return. No one wants to love and be rejected. We want to love and be loved.

People often respond to rejection in anger. Is it a bad reaction?

Anger in and of itself is not a sin. God put this emotion in us. “Be angry,” he urges, “and do not sin” (Eph. 4:26 nkjv). Anger is not a sin, but it can lead to sin. Perhaps your anger doesn’t lead you to shed blood, but does it make you touchy, irritable, quick-tempered, quick to take offense?

But don’t we become touchy, irritable, quick tempered when people reject us? The next time your are fuming with anger ask yourself, “why am i fuming with anger?” You can always narrow the answer down to one word- rejection.

You hurt. And because you get hurt, you get hot. Anger is your defense mechanism.

Now that we know the common cause of anger- rejection- what is the cure? What is the opposite of rejection?

Acceptance!

If rejection causes anger, wouldn’t acceptance cure it?

Max Lucado has a very good insight on this:

A point we need to take is the story of Cain and Abel. When God rejected the offering of Cain’s own choosing how did he react? The text gives an answer. “The Lord accepted Abel and his gift, but he did not accept Cain and his gift. So Cain became very angry and felt rejected” (Gen. 4:4–5, ).

If rejection by heaven makes you mad at others, wouldn’t acceptance from heaven stir your love for them?... Remember the verse? “He who is forgiven little loves little.” We can replace the word forgiven with accepted and maintain the integrity of the passage. “He who is accepted little loves little.” If we think God is harsh and unfair, guess how we’ll treat people. Harshly and unfairly. But if we discover that God has doused us with unconditional love, would that make a difference?

So what turned the apostle Paul from a bully to a teddy bear?He encountered Christ. Or, to use his phrase, he was hidden in Christ: “Your life is now hidden with Christ in God” (Col. 3:3 niv).

Max describes this thought beautifully in his book A Love Worth Giving: Through Christ, God has accepted you. Think about what this means. I’m scooting forward and talking softly again: You cannot keep people from rejecting you. But you can keep rejections from enraging you. Rejections are like speed bumps on the road. They come with the journey. Tacky purse peddlers populate the world. You’re going to get cut, dished, dropped, and kicked around. You cannot keep people from rejecting you. But you can keep rejections from enraging you. How? By letting his acceptance compensate for their rejection.

When the world has turned its back on you, remember whose you are! God has accepted you. God loved you even before you have known Him. Let His love that accepted you just as you are melt your heart and say, "People can reject me but God has already accepted me. He has forgiven me and is always willing to forgive me. My life is now hidden in Christ. I may not win the applause of the world but I can applaud God." Why? He who is forgiven much loves much. Or should I say, he who is accepted much, loves much.

How To Deal With Rejection (Part 3)

5. The I’m Ok, You’re Ok Guy. There are persons who just disregard feelings of rejection all together. When people turn them down, or criticize them, or all together disregard them, they say, “well that’s ok. Everyone is entitled to his own opinion. As far as I know I am Ok. We are all ok. Everything is ok.”

The problem with this indifferent, hard-shell approach is that the I’m Ok-You’re OK person might miss an opportunity to evaluate self. If you don’t know how to handle rejection you either become angry and fail to grow. Assessing your anger and frustration helps you see whether your anger and frustration is valid or not. If its not, then there is room for growth as you evaluate your mistakes, shortcomings, or personality flaws and grow from the experience.

The I’m Ok -You’re Ok person is unaffected at all by any criticism or tends to disregard it as if the rejection or hurt does not exist. But the problem is at times the I’m Ok-You’re Ok types react to rejection by quitting. He says to himself, “Ok if that’s the case then I’ll quit.”

But the world is in great need of your ministry that when you just quit on what you stand for and don’t give a thought about it, God loses one of his best soldiers.

6. The Law Keeper. The Law Keepers have good reputation in their communities or society. These are the straight guys. They are the protectors of the standards of the church. They are the keepers of the flame.

The problem with some Law Keepers is that they dress to impress. They obey because the good name gives them the feeling of importance and acceptance. Their title and reputation means everything to them. And they are willing to keep it untarnished.

In my experience however the law keepers always had a past experience of rejection as a consequence of perhaps not obeying the rules or any failure on his/her part to be the best person he can ever be.

Since he or she doesn’t want other people to go through the same painful experience, the Law Keeper models a life of obedience. But like the Power Ruler he/she has a tendency to impose upon others his/her convictions. He/she becomes judgmental. Laws are kept for legalistic purposes and no longer out of love. What becomes important is that people are made to obey the rules rather than winning people’s heart to understand these rules and perhaps be convicted to obey them too.

How To Deal With Rejection (Part 2)

2. The Flamboyant Talker. We all want the respect, admiration, andappreciation of our love ones. No one likes to be disliked. No one likes his ideas to be disapproved or taken for granted. But when our personality clashes with other people, when people start disliking us or start to lose respect in us, the flamboyant talker tries to cover up for this low feeling caused by rejection by trying to get everyone’s attention. He measures self-importance through peer acceptance. In the case of pastors - acceptance by our colleagues. Acceptance is everyone’s comfort zone.

So how does one try to gain people’s respect and approval? In the case of the flamboyant talker he tries to gain people’s attention by being loud. He may become vocal about issues and call for people’s attention with his flamboyant personality. In crowds or meetings he becomes an animated, vibrant, and vivacious talking machine. Too often he goes to the sidelines and does not make a point. But the attention he draws gives

him the high feeling of being noticed, of feeling important and not rejected.

3. The Show-Off. Other people try to cover up for their experiences of rejection by diverting people’s attention on what they have acquired, attained, and experienced.

People may want to use educational attainments to gain people’s respect which they desperately needed. Although academic pursuits should be taken for professional growth and self-improvement, some people have used academic degrees to get the respect and acceptance they wanted. Since our society today rates us based on our educational attainment and success in life, we also use the same position and power to get the self-importance we needed so much.

To bury past feelings of rejection, we cover it up by gaining people’s approval and attention through acquisition of stuffs that make us feel good about ourselves like new cellphones, laptops, cars, gadgets, clothes and other toys that subtly gives us a feeling of importance.

People also use their experience to gain leverage and advantage over those with less experience. To cover up possible rejection of people they share their wealth of experiences to draw people’s confidence on them as if to say, “Hey,better listen to me. I am more experienced than anyone else.”

Wealth, power, education, and experience are not bad in themselves but if used as the foundation of our self-worth, self-acceptance to combat people’s rejection and gain their approval it becomes a wrong motivation for people’s acceptance.

4. The Power Ruler. Other people resort to martial law power. Rather than win people with conviction they impose their convictions on others. If majority of the people reject the Power Ruler’s opinion

s and ideas, the Power Ruler then uses his status, power, and influence to enforce acceptance. His assertiveness and cunning logic are used with manipulation to get people saying “yes!”

Leaders who felt rejected are at times too foolish and hardheaded to look at their own flaws and understand other people’s point of view. Rather than go down to people’s level to listen and try to make a connection, they respond to people’s rejection by imposing their power and authority upon them. Instead of working towards mutual understanding they inflict force on others using subversive tactics of clever persuasion and logical reasoning. The Power Ruler become foolish enough to win people’s approval by intimidation and looks.

The Power Ruler uses power and intimation to enforce his views and convictions rather than use gentle persuasion through the power of the Holy Spirit . They don’t work to to win people’s heart. Instead they impose their ideas on them. This person believes that he has gained acceptance when people holds his views even if it means people follow them without truly becoming convicted.

How To Deal With Rejection (Part 1)

Our Relationship With God Will Determine Our Relationship With People

Article by Pastor Ardison D. Bernardo

No one wants to be called a loser or a failure, nor be considered incompetent. Can you relate? You cried for help and received nothing but dead silence. Your summons for assistance goes unnoticed. You begged for an extension and gets turned down twice. And being a Christian you offered your best services of love only to hear the words, “No, thanks!”

What does a leader do when the church board disapproves his agenda? When the congregation dislikes you? When people have no high regard for you? When your colleagues make fun of you? What do you do? When your very own family has abandoned you? When nobody subscribes to your dreams? When your employees rally against you? When your work of genius gets no warm welcome?

Rage is fathered by anger. Anger almost always goes with its brother named rejection. No one wants to be rejected. We all strive for acceptance. We all long to be loved and liked. So when someone else’s program and good ideas are not appreciated, he feels rejected. How does one deal with rejection?

People react to rejection differently. I have to admit that I have been in these various roles. May this help you become self-aware.

1. The People Pleaser. The People Pleaser try to gain people’s approval by coming up with good services and excellent programs. Like for instance if a church leader’s program failed or has serious faults causing the proponent of the program to be blamed, he switches to a defense mechanism. Rather than being humble enough to see his faults and learn from the experience, he tries to blame other people and comes up with better programs. He comes up with better programs because he wants this feeling of appreciation, of being adored, and loved by his people, church, or company. Since he has not dealt with the past feelings of rejections, he buries the pain in pleasant experiences of success where he feels accepted and appreciated.
And most of us tend to reminisce good thoughts and memories when we received our rewards, or when we have been lavishly appreciated. We keep our trophies, plaques, and medals. These awards become proofs of our acceptance. Rather than deal with the feelings of rejection we try to do away with it by coming up with actions that will please people. Once we receive this feeling we dwell on it and bury the painful experience of the past.

The people pleaser syndrome is deeply rooted in his experiences in the past when he might have been rejected or left unappreciated by his family, friends, colleagues. And he hates this feeling. And he will do anything to cover up this feeling. Covering up is a very insidious cure. The wound is there and you don’t want to do anything about it.